my own mind: 18/365

I used to know my own mind. Honestly, I had an opinion about everything. And I charged forth boldly. But something happened along the way, and I entered a period of mostly not knowing. Or not caring. Yikes.

I think the something that happened was my allowing marriage and children to affect me in too great a way. Um, kind of like they were bowling balls and I was a pin. I mean, I spent day after day either helping other people figure out what they wanted and how to make that happen or wanting other people to be happy. I began not to care anymore about what I wanted. If everybody else could be happy, well that meant peace–which at some point became more important than anything else.

I was 23 when my daughter was born and 55 when my last child left for college.

Man, I got in such habits. Ordering in restaurants for the kids. And then one day, a child, completely capable of ordering for himself, looked across a bowl of chips at me as if I had lost my mind.

And I had.

These days, in a restaurant, I still sometimes want whatever my husband’s having. Or I often ask whatever teen-aged waitress is standing in front of me, who I’ve never seen before in my life, what she likes.

~

 365 true things about me

24 thoughts on “my own mind: 18/365

    • Thanks, Kate. Yes, the habits were easy to fall into, especially with so many little ones and feeling overwhelmed and just moving into get-it-done mode. My husband and I were just sitting outside talking about all that, and those days.

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  1. Sorry, I got to this one later. My sense in all of this so far is that you are feeling somewhat lost. I think that happens to all of us during our journey through life. I’m actually in a similar place at the moment. The reason I was drawn to your blog is that I was considering doing something similar. I had planned to do a daily post, but just for me. In the past I have been able to write through my questions and figure things out. But, I couldn’t do it this time.

    So all we can really do is just pick a direction and move forward. Life is still ahead of us.

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  2. Aha! I’m catching up on your posts and responding to each as they come, not looking ahead. A few posts ago I asked in my comment if you have an opinion about everything, b/c I do, and I associate that character trait and mindset with my tendency to take charge, which–YOUR tendency to take charge–you had written about that day. So maybe those two traits ARE linked, but the link can be severed. You’re trying to rediscover your mind while I continue on my current ~10-year-and running project of becoming less… bossy, we’ll call it. Anyway, maybe I still have all my opinions because I never had children. Or maybe I never had children b/c I knew instinctively I might lose my ability to know my own mind–I think that would feel dangerous to me.

    I hope you’re celebrating how much your posts are provoking your readers to think deeply about themselves. In making this meaning for yourself, and then sharing it with such good articulation and generosity, you’re helping others make meaning. This is a master class in why writers write. So inspiring.

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  3. Misplacing self can also be liberating… Who else would have the courage to order a Reuben pizza in the midst of two weeks of no-other-choice-but-organic-clean-eating?!

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